EXPECTATIONS.

I'm writing again after so long. And you know I usually write when it gets to depressing. Yup. So to you positive-vibe-only people, this is not the place for you.

I'm not happy. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Felt like I lost my purpose in life. Because I feel that there is more that I can offer, But what, All these responsibilities tying me down and I feel like I cannot run away. How I envy you free souls who can just drop everything, quit and do what you love in life. How I wish I have the privilege.

You know how sometimes you're just living everyday, trying to live but inside you feel dead. Its like everyone is smiling and telling how proud they are of you and you smile. But inside, only you know the emptiness, it kills. I wished that I did not have to be the perfect daughter all the time in the eyes of my family. I wish I grew up as that rebellious, reckless child that everyone says will have no future and no one look up too. I wish that I was the child that nobody cares because she flops academically, because she dates a lot or because she just does whatever she wants without a care in the world. Because she's me inside. I envy. I envy you, who grew up not caring. Because you know your life is yours to live and not anyone elses. I wish I had that courage. I wish I realised it sooner. I wished I did not have to be that perfect daughter. I wish I did not have to be that perfect elder sister or that perfect cousin. I was only perfect in YOUR eyes. This hallow inside of me, only I have seen and know.

As I sit here with my only soulmate at this hour -Mr Beer- I could not help feeling all these at once. I tried to knock it off, but I am not strong enough. Now I wish I had more beers with me. I pen my thoughts better with alcohol in my system.

I should sleep.

bye,

.