LUCK.

I am just amused. Amused by this BIG joke that LIFE is playing on me now. Like just WOW LIFE, throw me straight to hell, why wont ya?

Some people are just so damn darned lucky, to be able to find someone who loves 'em and to be able to be at ease in each other's presence. I think I came in terms with my luck, I could never in a million lucky stars find someone like this. I just came in terms. I'll just accept this. I'm just so darned tired of these. Being in the wrong relationships, being with someone who has great insecurities, being with someone who doesn't know what he wants. It is just EXHAUSTING. I. Give. Up. 

I am tired of searching, tired of waiting, tired of being patient, tired of waiting on people, tired of being the sensible one, tired tired tired tired. Tired trying to please everyone but myself.
I wanna do things for myself. Just once. Please, Angela. I wanna work out, I wanna sweat it all out. I wanna dance, just dance. I wanna just give myself that love that she deserves much. 

I don't wanna lie. My heart aches. I am a woman at the end of the day; no matter how I try to hide it, I feel too much. I can't lie, I am disappointed by his nonchalant approach. But who was I kidding. I knew it from the start, again, I brought this to myself. I saw it from the beginning how this is gonna turn out and yet, being Angela, I went straight right at it. 

He says I interpret things to the extreme, whatever that is supposed to mean. What am I supposed to think when you suddenly not call me or text me like you used to? He says I am being clingy. He says he needs his personal space. How am I supposed to interpret it then? He was the one that gave me the clingy puppy look at the first date and calls me the next day. So who's being clingy now? He used to love my company. And now I'm the clingy one? OKAY.

OH GAWD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 

Are we in some role changing dynamic or something? I thought only the ladies play these games, now the guys too? Can we please go back to the time when gentlemen walks the earth and leave the emotional play to the ones with the vaginas, PLEASE?

I think I had just about enough of all these BS. Please no more no more no more. I'll just die old with 9 cats or whatever. 

I just wanna lay down. 

Goodnight. 

EXPECTATIONS.

I'm writing again after so long. And you know I usually write when it gets to depressing. Yup. So to you positive-vibe-only people, this is not the place for you.

I'm not happy. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Felt like I lost my purpose in life. Because I feel that there is more that I can offer, But what, All these responsibilities tying me down and I feel like I cannot run away. How I envy you free souls who can just drop everything, quit and do what you love in life. How I wish I have the privilege.

You know how sometimes you're just living everyday, trying to live but inside you feel dead. Its like everyone is smiling and telling how proud they are of you and you smile. But inside, only you know the emptiness, it kills. I wished that I did not have to be the perfect daughter all the time in the eyes of my family. I wish I grew up as that rebellious, reckless child that everyone says will have no future and no one look up too. I wish that I was the child that nobody cares because she flops academically, because she dates a lot or because she just does whatever she wants without a care in the world. Because she's me inside. I envy. I envy you, who grew up not caring. Because you know your life is yours to live and not anyone elses. I wish I had that courage. I wish I realised it sooner. I wished I did not have to be that perfect daughter. I wish I did not have to be that perfect elder sister or that perfect cousin. I was only perfect in YOUR eyes. This hallow inside of me, only I have seen and know.

As I sit here with my only soulmate at this hour -Mr Beer- I could not help feeling all these at once. I tried to knock it off, but I am not strong enough. Now I wish I had more beers with me. I pen my thoughts better with alcohol in my system.

I should sleep.

bye,

.