EXPECTATIONS.

I'm writing again after so long. And you know I usually write when it gets to depressing. Yup. So to you positive-vibe-only people, this is not the place for you.

I'm not happy. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Felt like I lost my purpose in life. Because I feel that there is more that I can offer, But what, All these responsibilities tying me down and I feel like I cannot run away. How I envy you free souls who can just drop everything, quit and do what you love in life. How I wish I have the privilege.

You know how sometimes you're just living everyday, trying to live but inside you feel dead. Its like everyone is smiling and telling how proud they are of you and you smile. But inside, only you know the emptiness, it kills. I wished that I did not have to be the perfect daughter all the time in the eyes of my family. I wish I grew up as that rebellious, reckless child that everyone says will have no future and no one look up too. I wish that I was the child that nobody cares because she flops academically, because she dates a lot or because she just does whatever she wants without a care in the world. Because she's me inside. I envy. I envy you, who grew up not caring. Because you know your life is yours to live and not anyone elses. I wish I had that courage. I wish I realised it sooner. I wished I did not have to be that perfect daughter. I wish I did not have to be that perfect elder sister or that perfect cousin. I was only perfect in YOUR eyes. This hallow inside of me, only I have seen and know.

As I sit here with my only soulmate at this hour -Mr Beer- I could not help feeling all these at once. I tried to knock it off, but I am not strong enough. Now I wish I had more beers with me. I pen my thoughts better with alcohol in my system.

I should sleep.

bye,

.

He forgot Her.

How it is that someone is able to wake up one morning and simply decides to not talk to you ever again without any explanation whatsoever? And then pretends like nothing ever happened between the two of you? How can he leave with himself knowing that he left her hanging by the edge, crying herself' to sleep for weeks?  

It hurts so much that it broke her down and crumbled her world because she actually took chances on him, after convincing herself in the middle of the night that he was not like the rest. That he was different. She decided to break down built walls and to open herself up to him. And she was convinced enough that that was the right choice.

But then again, all blame cannot be put unto him. She was an insecure, pain-in-the-butt nuisance. She blame herself every now and then for not being able to control her temper and her egoistic nature. She was never good in relationships. She never failed to find flaws, sometimes in others but mostly in herself. She foretell the ending then go and create the cause to save herself and ends up alone. She sent him a heart-breaking message in the wee morning and never heard from him ever since then. Who could blame him? After that first heart-break that her ex had caused, it still leaves a scar no matter how hard she tried to erase it. It has become part and parcel of her today. She thought he needed a few days break and she gave it to him. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. She stared at the phone screen every now and then, hoping for his name to appear on the screen. She cling unto her phone like it was her life, not wanting to miss a call from him, or a message. She gave up waiting, took a deep breath and she gathered every ounce of courage that she had, she punched in his number, and  it rang and it rang and it rang, but never did he picked it up, or never did he return that call. She sent a message saying how sorry she was for her stupidity but never did he once reply. And she stared at the four white walls of her room immensely, with hot tears pouring down her cheeks. She cried her lungs out, wishing things had turned out differently, wishing and wishing that she had never sent out that stupid message. But, deep down she knew, there were no chances of him calling back. Ever. She knew then that things were over between them before it even begin.   

It had been nearly three months now. 

And today, she logged on into Facebook, and she sees his current status on how happy he is now with someone else. It breaks her heart. How easily he got her and how easily he threw her away and now, replaces her. Like she meant nothing to him. She read and re-read his status several times and yet she somehow still cannot believe her eyes. She thought he loved her. She thought that he meant every single word that he had uttered to her. And she had continued living those three months holding those three words. She thought he meant it. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that it is no longer her that he wants. This time around, there were no tears. Only a slight feeling of pain in her chest. So this is what being replaced feels. She admits that the memories will be painful for her but she also knows that life is but a brief candle. Reminiscing and crying over the past is only but a waste of time. She vowed to never be this weak again. She then continued building her walls. Higher and higher. Stronger and stronger. Up and up the walls go. She close your eyes, took a deep breath and wished him well. And then she smiled and she grabbed that cup of coffee and blissfully, you know life has got to go on.

~drinkdrankdrunk~

"Max" and "Mary".

The movie "Max and Mary" brought tears to my eyes. The movie is a claymation centred on a young girl, named Mary. She lives in a small Australian town with her alcoholic mother, her shed-loving father and her pet rooster. One day, she decides to write to Max who lives in New York to find out if babies came from the bottom of beer glasses as they do in Australia (as according to Mary's father). Max is a lonely, middle aged man with Asperger's syndrome. From there, a unique relationship begins between them. 

Many things could be learnt from this movie. It takes us on a journey to explore friendship, autism, taxidermy, psychiatry, alcoholism, obesity, kleptomania, sexual differences, trust, religion, self-worth, love, imperfections and much much more. This movie stresses a lot on relationships among people and animals, and mostly evolves around the theme of friendship. As Dr Bernard Hazelhof said to Max, I quote:

"We'd have to accept ourself, our warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them. We can, however, choose our friends. A true friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes."

It also teaches us the importance of forgiveness. Again quoting Max J. Horowitz,

"The reason I forgive you is because you are not prefect. You are imperfect, and so am I"

 This movie has an excellent 'dark' humors and its wittiness kept me laughing throughout the movie. I LOVE it how at the end, the director quoted:

"God gave us relatives... thank God we can choose our friends."

Below are few of the very quotes in the movie that touches me:

1. "Humans were endlessly illogical. Why did they throw out food when there were children starving in India? Why did they clear the rainforests when they needed the oxygen? And why did they create bus timetables when they never ran on time?"  

2. "Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles, but it doesn't mean I'm not smiling inside my brain." 

3. "I find the world very confusing and chaotic.""People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me." 

4. "Love was not like Rubik's Cube. It could not be solved." 

5. "People often think I'm tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be ..... improper."

6. "You are not a magic beauty cream you can smooth on the world to rid it of its wrinkles."

7. "Everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved, others have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts." 

One of the most important lesson I have learnt from this movie is the importance of loving yourself first before you can love someone else. We all know this, but still, at times I guess, we forget the simple rule to love ourselves first. Note to myself, ALWAYS ALWAYS love myself first. So must you okay? You, the one reading this, get this phrase into that brain of yours and shut it in and may it be a reminder for you every single time. In fact, I think that before people can actually utter the "I love you" phrase, they must be able to say "I love me" first without feeling awkward or whatsoever. I LOVE ME I LOVE ME I LOOOVEEE ME!

Hence, the next time you are feeling down or about to give up on life, just remember that there will always be a "Max" or "Mary" who will understand you, supports you and always be there for you to share condensed milk and chocolate hamburgers to lift you up again. See, the world is not all dull as what some of us claims it to be. With friends like "Max" and "Mary", your days can never be dull or lonely. I have found my "Max" and "Mary", have you? ;) 

Cheers! :)

Insomnia.

Insomnia is really a bitch, isn't she? Anyway thanks dear insomnia, due to extensive unproductive 2 hours of rolling on the bed, trying my level best to sleep, I GIVE UP. Decided to just get up and write. Since there are so many random thoughts and questions and philosophies and rubbish running through my mind. Its exasperating isn't it, just when your head hits that fluffy, soft cotton pillow of yours and your body had accustomed to that warmth and oh-so-cuddly bolster, a hundred and one million thoughts and random awesome ideas just had to popped in your mind and keeps you thinking and thinking and thinking. URGH. Its like your brain has its mind of its own, where it suddenly decides to operates fully and actively in wee morning. Really brain? 

Anyway, I have been thinking. Deeply. And a lot. Well, I am a thinker and also a worrier. I think a lot, sometimes I'm afraid that my brain will just explode due to the excessive amount of thinking. Oh well. Cant help it. 

You know how some will say, let things be or everything will work out just fine or if it's meant to be, it will happen or have faith and stuff like that. PLAIN BULLSHIT. Really? Let things be, have faith bla bla really? I can't and I am not able to. Please. That's what the lackadaisical ones will tell you. Just punch anyone who say that to you, like seriously, especially the ones who use the Que Sera Sera phrase on you. People should stop comforting themselves and others with the above phrase or quotes or whatsoever. Be a realist. Think. Do you think all the comforting phrases/quotes/words in the world could save you if you do not move that ass of yours and work hard towards whatever it is that you want to achieve? 

I am sorry of you think that I am being harsh here (not really). 

Okay well lets be fair. Maybe some of you work that way, but not me. I just think that if you want something, you have to work for it. Period. Nothing comes easy and nothing comes free. The price of success are often the sacrifices you have to make. In the end, it will all be worth it.   

Cheers.

Goodnight. 

Joanna's 21st Birthday.

Yesterday's gathering with old friends were awesome. I think the last time we hang out like that was during our Foundation year in 2010. It was a good gathering, with a lot of crazy laughter and solemn moments when we looked back 4 years down the road. A lot of things had change. We changed. Each one of us, in our own different way. Its weird saying this, since we are all course mates, but the friendship drifted apart, I guess we were all too busy to even stop for a moment to think or even realised that it occurred, but yesterday, yesterday was different. It made ME think, like well, these were the small bunch of friends that I had in Foundation (mind you, I did not have any friends during my first few weeks in Foundation) but somehow, the wind must have blown us towards each others direction that day. We met each other and we just click. Like that. Magically. It's funny because I don't just 'click' easily to anyone. I made it sound like we were matches made in heaven right? HAHA. I remember feeling all lost and confused during my Foundation year, like a misfit soul I was. Yes I had trouble blending in. For a moment there, all I wanted to do was to quit uni and pack my bags and head straight back home, to my comfort zone, but I knew I could never do that. So I stayed and tried to survive (even till today) and I tried my utmost best to be friendly and jovial to everyone (hated every moment of it) and that was then I found these people (Joanna, Charlene, Alena). These were the three angels that helped me survived my Foundation year. If it wasn't for them, I would have hated my whole of Foundation years and I might even end up being worst than an anti-social. So thank you! 

It was Joanna's 21st birthday celebration yesterday (Aww that little girl is all grown up) in 1673 Bistro near Jonker Walk. It was a lovely place, very relaxing environment with a good live band. Not bad indeed. And then, the after party, of course! We had ours in Eleven Bar (rumoured to be a gay bar). The feeling was just.. cozy. Like home home cozy. Like the family kind of cozy. It was just.. Cozy. And there we were, a bunch of happy lads, drinking and being happy and inhaling the helium out of Joanna's 21st balloon just to hear each others voices goes off pitch. HAHAH IT WAS FUNNY!  

Le food, Classic Chicken Chop, is what I ALWAYS order when

 I really have no idea what else to order. 

From the right, Joanna (the star of the night), Me, Amanda and Charlene.

From the right, Augustus, Me, Celine

Outfit for the night, a simple white-blue dress.

 I still couldn't figure out why I close my eyes haha.

A tower of Asahi for us please. 

Margarita Cocktail. 

There's a storm approaching. Nice weather to sleep in but I hate it, because I am going to be all alone tonight. :X

Going to bed soon. Sleep tight everyone. Goodnight! :)

Accident.

Remember how I was saying that things don't last and tomorrow might never come? 

Woke up this morning to a news that a friend, Orpheus, met with a terrible accident in Alor Gajah. He is now in Hospital Melaka receiving treatments and his condition is still not stable. Will keep him in prayers and hopefully everything will be fine for him. :(

Guys, keep him in your prayers too and prays that he pulls through this one. 

The Sin of Ingratitude.

I am blessed. I know I am. But you know how sometimes, we, as flawed creations, tend to not remember to be thankful for the blessings we received. Hmm, I would say that we often take things for granted? I am of no exception. People tell me that I am ungrateful, yes I admit I am. I guess sometimes (well, most of the time) I forget to be thankful for all that I have. People tend to want more, more and MORE of everything. Minimal is never enough and so does the maximum. Bigger cars, more money in the banks, bigger investments, better designer outfits. We tend to seek and crave for more. The more, the better? Men are selfish. What do you expect? Humanity has had a materialistic, selfish, 'me-first' existence. Many a times, we take things for granted, that things and people will always be there. How can we be sure that the ones we treasure and love will still be there tomorrow? What if there is never going to be a tomorrow?   

Few days ago, I was complaining about being lonely and having no one to talk to, but when I look back, I have people that love me. I have my family, friends, relatives, these are the folks that I have but why do I still feel the need for more companions? Yes, I take my parents for granted, my siblings who were always there to annoy me, and my friends who are there to accompany me and put up to my bad mood-swings and whimpers but I never seem to thank them for that. Was I really that selfish? 

Maybe there is no such thing as unhappiness. Maybe unhappiness is derived from being ungrateful. Maybe there are no maybes. It's the universal truth! Unhappy people are often the ungrateful ones. And I am ashamed for having to say that I am included in one of those people in the ungrateful category. Quoting 1 John 2:16, he said that "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world." 

I am not saying that I am going to INSTANTLY change into a new leave and start being that angel and not whine about anything and just be happy with whatever I have. No, of course it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's gonna be one hell of a task and strength. Everyday in our life, we have to deal with temptations of all kinds, and it is not easy to just be contented and happy with everything that you have when you are being surrounded by the everyday's temptation of the world. However, what I am trying to say is that I am going to do my utmost best to remind myself EVERYDAY to be thankful for the little things in life, for the people around me, for the food and shelter and clothes. In fact, I might even start being grateful for the uphill battles in life. And for the people that have problems with me. And for the ones that misunderstood me. And for the scorching weather in Malaysia. And the people that agitates me, and the barbaric rampant bikers, and that anne there who never did like taking food orders from me, and uncivilized tenants who literally throw their rubbish from a higher floor to ground floor. Thank you because you people gave me free anger management classes everyday. 

Today, I am grateful for the people I call FRIENDS. For the ones that stick with me through thick and thin. For the ones who had to put up with my atrocious mood swings and temper. For the ones who put up with all my nonsensical and senseless grunts and bawls. The ones who believed in me when no one else did. The ones who have seen me in my most fragile and ugly moments. And most of all I am thankful for the ones who stayed. 

Thank you. :)

"In everything give thanks"